shespathetic

10:42 pm

Back again, the choice of side dish you take with your course. An accesory to an outfitted union. I do not dwell on self pity, I do not weep before I sleep, infact we never sleep. Sleep is left to the weak, and I've never felt more flimsy so cheap. I've been won over by a rat race ruled by indifference, taken on the role of a sociopathic disabled addict, spastic periods of recovery, elastic nerves that bend and snap.
no one could be bigger than that
no one could belittle that
not when your mind flys 4 stories high
your body aches you wonder why

04:30 pm

I dont deserve him. He is the most wonderful person  I have ever been with. Kind loving, amazsing. and I am nothing but a bitch to him. Last night I had a dream where I was pleading for him to stay...
I am a horrible horrible person

12:39 am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoN6XfyQsr4

05:42 pm

Im dieing to weigh myself right now but Im too scared that I gained weight.
Today I ate 2 oreos and a handful of crackers
drank a non-diet soda (barks rootbeer)
and had a glass of grapefruit juice.
I also started my first day of work today (pita pit). My co-workers are fucking hilarious, it makes being there a little less of a chore

07:32 am

dayone
about to eat breakfast wish me luck girls <3

04:32 pm

so this might take me a while to type b ecause i have hella carple tunnel(sp)
its so bad i hsve to end my across canada trip.
i am going back to victoria to self distruct
im, so depressed
here are some stats
CW :140
LW:114
GW1:120
GW2:100


the bf just went for dinner 
but i am not eating for the rest of the day.
800 cals tommorw then 600 then 400 and so on....
welcome back kelly woot

01:48 pm

I am now in Kelowna (im from victoria and travelling to quebec via hitchhiking with my boyfriend) and I hate the way I've been eating. It doesnt help that the girl ive been travellng with (i left with my bff ashely because my bf has work to finish and is coming up here on wendsday). We've both been eating like pigs, which for the first time in a while i was hardly paying attention to,o when she starts complaining about her "fat". she exclaimed that she had a bveer gut and wanted it fucking gone. I am way fatter than her (and yes i know this for a fact) and *I want to go back to dietring so bad but need my energy for the road(I have this huggggge camping back pack i have to lug around and Cannot afford to pass out on the road.
Maybe Ill just cut back a little bit...
Maybe ill just write down the calories...
it bothers the hell out of me when i dont know how much ive consumed.
I havent weighted myself in a month... Im too scared.
Im sure no one will even notice if i cut out dairy and red meat... or meat all together.
Starting tomorrow (since i already messed up today)
I should start limiting it at 1000 calories (just because of the whole situation.)
hope all is well
Kelly

04:19 pm

I am reminded why I didnt want to work in the food industry. Free food=binge like a mother bleeping cow.
Last night you know what I ate? 4 pieces of pizza and previous to that rice.
Shame on me!
I ate some rice this morning. Water for the rest of the day and if I work out maybe some tea with lo fat milk.
126lbs
cmon kelly only 6 lbs till 120
you can do it

09:39 am

Ive been complettely off track latelly.
 The good thing is that I am down to 130 lbs. which is a whole lot better than 140, which was what I was at last week.
The bad news is that two days ago I was 127.
I binged, had way too much pasta and peaniut butter.
I feel duisgusting today.
Time for a fast starting at 10:00 am.
water,  coffee, diet pop.
3 days lets say?
whos with me?

08:45 am

breakfast 125

Casey and I are trying out a new plan for the next while. We have to email each other at the end of each day with our results.
Hopefully this will keep me in line.

12:49 pm

1 cup of fruit loops
1 granola bar
1/2 a 64g bag of fuzzie peaches

so like 350? thats not bad for my first day. Hopefully the rest of the day goes well too.

10:23 am

Everything is going according to plan. Fasting today too. I  have lots to do today so it will be easy to akeep myself distracted.

12:22 pm

12:13 pm

Just got back from camping at Sombrio beach and my god it was absoulutely amazing there. I saw a whole bunch of waterfalls and crazy plant life I didn't even know exsisted. Lately Ive been binging like a mad woman so Im back to 130. One of my friends was talking to me today and was like "You look like you lost more weight" and I was like well Ive been eating right and exersizing and I just came back from hiking for like 3 whole days. Then he was like are you sure your all right and I got really nervouse but tried to keeo my cool. I think I gained a whole bunch of weight. Oh well he wears glasses and wasnt wearing them when we talked and I don't think he has contacts so maybe I just looked skinny in the lighting or something.
Time away from home gave me time to think about my goals. I think how I keep failing is I set myself up for failure by aiming too high and trying to fast for too long. I think I will try to lose 5 lbs in the next week and a half. I am only going to look that far into the future because I dont want to screw up again. Im so tired of being fat.

09:50 am

Day one of my fast.

This morning was uneventful. I got up had a cup of coffee with splenda. Drank two glasses of water. Had a shower, did my makeup, read a bit of wasted to get me in the right mindset and head out the door to the library.
There is this girl that I am friends with who has the same outlook on body image as I do. We share the same thoughts about food and exersize. She is so tiny but thinks shes fatter than me which is complete bullshit. My other ED friend put it perfectly, "she is queen of control".
When her and I went to go get tea yesterday she started eating splenda straight and claimed it tasted like icing sugar. I tried some and she was right, next time I will know what to do when I get a sugar craving.
I wish I could be like her. One day I will be. I applied at her work and shes going to put in a good word for me. I hope I get the job because I really need money right now.
In other news...
Sasha if you read this, Im really sorry. It's just I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I can't imagine life without ED, so I'm terribly sorry to say I am going to keep going. I feel horribly selfish for this but I'm not going to stop. I hope you are doing well though.

I told my boyfriend I am going on a fast to "cleanse my system" which is kind of true. Im thinking a good 10 days should be good.

12:35 pm

Today piggy woke up and balled her eyes out in front of him. Stupid girl. Idiot gluttoness pig. How dare you. He payed little attention, sleep deprived from the night before, teetering on reality and the land of Nod. Greedy pigglet squeeling at the site of its own damnation. He falls asleep.
To the kitchen the pot bellied pig goes driven by its lustful desire for fullness. Piggy eats not even half of the dinner she had not eaten the night before. It still seems too much so she goes upstairs to shower and rid her of such wrongful doings.

That pretty much sums up this morning. Oh and I burnt somewhere in the area of 165 cals in half an hour on the exersize bike. Plus I went for a 20 minute run this morning.
When I weighed myself at the gym today (expecting to have gained like 2 lbs from yesterdays apple, veggie sub from subway on wheat bread with mustard, and like 10 white rabbits as well as a couple bites of my boyfriends chinese food (vegtables and one piece of sweet and sour pork) AND half a micky of vodka with diet coke. When I stepped on the scale it said 127. I stepped off the scale. Stepped back on it again. Same thing.
so in the past three days Ive gone from 133 to 129 to 127. Six pounds. So Im thinking I want to be 120 by april the 7th. Possible? I think so.

Hope all you lovlies are doing well
<3 kelly

10:15 am

This morning I ate a banana went to the gym and burned 145 cals. Then I ate an apple.
I also weighed myself and I think I am still at 131-132 which makes me hate myself. It was one of those manually operated scales and I dont know how to use them (im dumb).
I will go back to the gym later on tonight and will burn 200 cals, no excuses.
Since I have such a high weight still I am not allowed to eat white rice. I think thats what has been messing me up.

12:07 pm

My BMI is 20.4, at least thats what it was the last time I weighed myself.
Hopefully I can come across a scale in the next couple days.
I am going to ask Travis about getting a pass to the gym at the YMCA.

11:35 am

I woke up this morning and ate a banana then I ate an apple. I danced around my room a bit to matt good while I brushed my hair and then I had a shower. I think my ribs are kinda starting to show but I am not quite sure.
When I glanced at myself in the mirror I saw bones. But when I stared harder I saw the same thing I do every morning. Fat.
On another note I am never eating white rabbits again. I just found out there is 908 cals in one small bag.
No wonder I haven't lost any weight.

02:18 pm

There is a pretty boy sitting in the line of chairs waiting for a computer. I feel duisgustingly fat this morning.
I've been having these dreams lately. They're the ones that wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to let you get back to sleep. Those dreams that make you half coherently whimper like a three-year-old infant, desperately clinging to your segnificant other. They're those dreams you can't remember in the morning.
There is a fat girl talking to the girl next to me. She is drinking a diet coke and wearing a frumpy skirt.
Someone once told me that if you touch your face during the first five minutes of awakening you wont remember your dreams from that night. I've never been able to figure out if that was false or correct. I've always wanted to test that theory out for myself but never remember to not touch my face in my grogey morning state.
There is a skiny man in place of the pretty boy, He looks like a coke addict. He probably isn't.
I get an average of six hours of sleep a night.